


things we don't tell chloe

by madfatty



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, Stand Alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-27 22:13:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8419249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madfatty/pseuds/madfatty
Summary: Izzy asks a favour, Finn seeks permission, Rae outsources the problem, Archie proves a man of unexpected knowledge, Chop is a changed man and Chloe gets told none of the above. It's all just a little bit of silliness.Originally posted to tumblr 04/10/16





	

_1\. Izzy asks a favour_

“Finny?” she whispers, her head resting on his shoulder. The alcohol has given her a haze of bravery and she’s finally going to ask the thing that’s been dogging her for weeks.

“Fairy?” he whispers back, relaxed and unsuspecting. He’s working a pleasant buzz from the booze and the company.

He hasn’t called her ‘fairy’ for a while and hearing it again makes her all nostalgic. It also calms her nerves. She’s not worried anymore. He’s not going to say no.

“You remember that time you popped my cherry?”

“Iz,” He admonishes, frowning at her. “I wish you wouldn’t call it that.”

“Sorry. I forgot you’re so delicate. You remember that time you deflowered me?”

“Much nicer. Thank you. Mmmm. I remember. Why, what about it?”

“Where did you learn to do that? I mean, did someone teach you how to do what you did?”

“It was on the job training mostly. Although Rae says I have a natural aptitude for it. Shit. Don’t tell her I told you that. She’ll kill me. What’s this about Iz? I can’t… I love you and everything, but I can’t do that again. I’m with Rae. All that is for Rae now, I…”

“Yes, yes you love Rae now, I know and that’s brilliant for you. I’m so happy for the both of you. Rae’s amazing and you’re amazing and it’s all… amazing. The love and the touching and the sex… I’m made up for you, really I am, meanwhile, I’m sat over here not and it’s really starting to piss me off.”

“Not what?”

“Having amazing sex.”

“Iz. Please,” He groans. “Don’t. I don’t want to know what goes on between you and Chop...” 

“I love him so much Finn, but he’s total rubbish at it. Most times I have to finish myself off after he’s gone to sleep.”

“Noooo, Izzy.”

“Yes, Finn. He sucks. Well he doesn’t and that’s another thing. He’s bad at it and you were really good. Really, really good. Could you maybe, have a word with him? Give him some pointers? “

“I don’t know Iz. He’d hate that. I’d hate it. Me knowing about his stuff. And your stuff. Stuff about you.”

“Oh please, like he doesn’t brag about it all the time. I’m not stupid Finn. Will you think about it, for me?” She pouts up at him, and his resolve crumbles like he knew it would. Why can’t he ever say no to her? He looks over to where their respective partners are wrestling and squealing on the floor like five year olds and sighs.

“Let me ask Rae.” He moans.

 

_2\. Finn seeks permission_

“Rae,” he mumbles once he gets his breath back. 

“Hmmm,” she mumbles back from face-first in the pillow. It takes her a little longer to recover sometimes when he’s feeling particularly energetic. 

“The stuff we do… it’s good, yeah? I mean, you like it don’t you?”

“My screaming down the house not a ringing enough endorsement for you? You can be such a needy little fucker sometimes, Nelson.”

“No. Yeah, I mean, of course,” he blushes, and he’s torn between feeling pleased with himself and worry about her next answer. “But… you’d tell me if it wasn’t, right? Like, If I wasn’t getting the job done?”

“You’d be the first to know, mister. Maybe the second. Why, what’s this all about?”

“Izzy…”

Rae sits up suddenly wide awake and paying full attention. “What has Iz got to do with our sex life?”

“NOTHING!” he blurts out, cursing himself. “It’s just, we were talking the other night and she was saying how she wasn’t… how Chop wasn’t… didn’t… couldn’t…”

“Spit it out, Finn!”

“IZZY SAID THAT CHOP’S A DUD SHAG!”

Rae sits with that quietly for a moment, contemplating the new information and her eyes go wide. Finally, she shakes her head. “Poor Iz. I kind of had an inkling… some of the stuff he’s talked about before just didn’t make sense, logistically. Hang on, what’s this got to do with you?” she asks, eyes narrowed.

“She wants me to talk to him. Give him some pointers.”

“Why? You didn’t talk about us, did you? That’s private, Finn. I don’t want you talking about it to anyone. Even Izzy.”

“I didn’t. I wouldn’t. I don’t want to give Chop…” he shudders “…pointers. That’s Izzy. I don’t even want to think about what happens when…” he shudders again. “But it’s Izzy, Rae. How can I say no to Izzy? You know he has mystical little sister powers over me and she’s not afraid to use them.” He whines.

Rae considers his sad little face for a bit. He’s such a lovely boy and a complete pushover.

“Leave it with me. I’ll sort something out. Now, get over here and do that thing you did with your tongue again.”

 

_3\. Rae outsources the problem_

It’s a wet Sunday afternoon and Rae and Archie are spread out on her bed, reading magazines – Q and Just Seventeen respectively – when Rae broaches the subject. 

“Finn says Izzy says Chop’s a dud shag.” 

Archie looks up from his quiz about whether he’s a tease or not and huffs. “Poor Iz. Mind you, I’ve always had an inkling. Some of the stuff he’s talked about before just didn’t make sense.”

“Logisitically,” Rae says.

“Yeah,” says Arch. He finishes his quiz and turns to the back of the magazine to tally up his score. He’s not exactly happy with the results and considers taking the quiz again. “Hang on, why is Izzy telling Finn this stuff? Surely dud shags is Chloe’s area of expertise.”

Rae slaps him half-heartedly and sniggers. “Stop it.” She rolls from her belly to her side and pushes away her magazine so she can commit her full attention to the conversation. “Finn says she wants him to give Chop some pointers.”

“Well, he does know what he’s doing…”

“Yeah,” Rae sighs wistfully, then “HEY!”

“You said…”

“Never mind what I said. I feel sorry for Izzy but I don’t want people knowing my business. OTHER people…” she adds when Archie looks like he’s about to remind her that he’s knows pretty much all her business. He’s not pleased about it but it is what it is.

“So, what happens now? We can’t leave poor Iz unsatisfied. What sort of mates would we be?” he asks, knowing full well Rae already has something in mind to help out their friend.

“Weeellll, there’s no way Finn will be able to do it.” She says.

“Jesus, can you imagine? The stuttering, the stammering, the blinding radioactive glare from his cheeks… it doesn’t even bear thinking about.”

“I know, right? But you could do it.”

“ME?” He splutters.

“Come on Arch. Are you forgetting our one and only date? Eight times. And not all of them over the top of my jeans.”

“I thought we agreed that that never happened.” 

“Yeah well, for a gay man, you certainly know your way around a vagina. You have serious skills, my friend. What can I say? And that knowledge should be passed on to someone who desperately needs it. You owe it to Izzy, Arch. You can’t let the knowledge die with you.”

“And how do you think Chop will cope with fingering lessons from a gayer? I’ll be lucky if he doesn’t punch me in the face!”

“He’ll get over it. And then he can ‘get over it’! HA!” Rae spends the next little bit laughing at her own joke. Archie looks less convinced.

“Oh c’mon, Arch. Do it for Izzy. Do it for Chop. Do it for Finn. Do it for me.” She finishes, smiling winningly at him and when he groans and smacks her with his Just Seventeen she knows she’s got him. “Do it for the good of all mankind!” she adds for good measure, just because she’s a big fan of a dramatic flourish.

“Alright, alright. Leave it with me.” He grumbles.

“You’re a good man, Archie Spencer.”

 

_4\. Archie is a man who knows things and Chop is mortified._

 

Chop’s not sure why Archie’s dragged him off to a separate table or why Izzy, Rae and Finn are all pretending not to stare at them from across the pub. Chop can’t help but worry about what’s coming. He knows he was a bit of dick about the gay thing at first, but they’re good again now; he just hopes he can keep his shit together and be there for Arch from the beginning this time, no matter what it is. 

Archie sits across from him, tearing strips off his beer mat and looking everywhere but at Chop.

“Come on, Arch. Spit it out. Whatever it is, we’re mates, yeah? And we’ll get through it together.” Chop encourages.

“Yeah, yeah. Give me a minute, would you? This isn’t an easy thing to say.” Chop follows Archie’s pleading expression back to the others and catches Rae waving and Izzy nodding and Finn hiding his face. What the fuck is going on?

“Arch…”

“Okay, okay. The thing is… the thing is…” Archie dithers.

“For fuck’s sake, Arch what is the fucking thing?” Chop snaps.

“THE THING IS. IZZY SAYS YOU’RE A DUD SHAG!” Archie yells. Thankfully it’s not like it is in the movies where the whole place goes quiet at such a revelation, the rest of the pub continues oblivious to the news but the ambient noise doesn’t hide the high pitched yelping coming from a certain table. Oops.

“Wha… What did you just say?”

“Rae said, that Finn said that Izzy said you’re… that things could be… better in the bedroom department. That’s all.”

“THAT’S ALL?” Chop stands up abruptly, knocking his chair over. The pub is still not interested.

“Yeah. No big. And I thought, well, we all thought, that maybe you could use some… tips about… stuff. You know. Nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody’s gotta learn somewhere.” Archie tries to look sympathetic and encouraging at the same time. 

“And I’m s’posed to learn from you, is that it?”

“Yeah. Why not?”

“A gay man. Who’s never even touched a vagina.”

“I never said that.” 

There’s a lot going on in Chop’s head at this point and he thinks it might be a good idea to storm off right now, even if it’s just for effect, but this new piece of information is far too intriguing for him to leave now.

“You mean you’ve…” 

“How do you think I managed to stay under the radar all that time?” Archie shrugs.

Chop considers his friend for a while and ignores the other three cowering bastards across the room.

“Fair point.” Says Chop as he sits back down. “So… tips, you say?”

 

_5\. Chop is a changed man. Well, changing anyway_

 

Chop doesn’t mention his conversation with Archie and Izzy pretends that she wasn’t witness to the whole thing. Denial seems to work for both of them.  
What also works is Archie’s advice and Izzy thinks after her second orgasm, delivered at the hands – the mouth the… - of Chop that she needs to send Archie a fruit basket. A hundred fruit baskets. In fact, fruit baskets all round. God she loves her friends.

_6\. Where Chloe gets told none of the above_

Chloe is told none of this. They don’t really talk about keeping it from her but there’s an unspoken agreement that no one has the stomach for another one of her awkward sauce bottle lectures in the chippy, everyone forced to make eye contact across a tiny table while desperately trying to avoid answering her probing and, quite frankly, inappropriate questions. Thankfully, she’s been otherwise engaged, flitting here and there like the social-climbing butterfly she is and hasn’t been around for the last couple of days anyway, so she’s really none the wiser. They all agree it’s better this way.


End file.
